Sex Toy 411

Sex Toys - Incorporating Into Partner Play

Even though using sex toys has become more mainstream these days, there are still many very serious, yet very silly misconceptions. The biggest fear for most people is the unknown of how and the unknown of why. If your partner has never used any kind of sex toy he/she might feel threatened or inadequate. Inadequacy is THE biggest fear, even though most people won't admit to it. It's not just your partner, but you as well. You're taking a big step in sharing this information and idea with your partner and you want to do it in a way that gets the best response from them. The bottom line is if you use compassion and understanding when introducing the idea of using sex toys, it just might be accepted. So I have put together this guideline to help you approach the topic.

Here's a few things you should not do, when tossing the idea at your partner:

Don't bring out your toy in the middle of sex.

This kind of surprise can be more shocking and upsetting than anything else. You have to understand, you have knowledge and/or experience that your lover may not have. This can make your lover feel very inexperienced and inadequate. Also, some people have a difficult time discussing masturbation and sharing their masturbation with each other, which is very unfortunate.  Mutual masturbation or masturbating in front of your partner or even watching your partner masturbate can be very erotically exciting. Some also feel that if their lover needs to masturbate, then they are not doing something right or are not giving you sexual pleasure often enough. That is the biggest, most awful fallacy about masturbation. It's extremely unfortunate, but you have take this into consideration before just whipping out your toy. If you already own a toy, then you're basically admitting to your lover that you've been masturbating. Is that going to upset him/her? So unless you're absolutely positive that your lover will be excited about it, don't introduce it during sex.

Don't be accusatory when you discuss incorporating anal play into your lovemaking.

Saying things like, "You don't do this." and "You don't do that." and "I don't like it when you do this." or "You just don't satisfy me anymore." can be extremely hurtful and make your partner feel like a schmuck. If it's approached in a way that makes your partner feel like he/she has been doing something wrong or not enough, then your partner will be very defensive from the start. And that's it, once a wall has been built up, your partner is not going to hear you out. And sometimes the relationship will become strained because of it.

Don't bring up the subject at a bad time.

By this, I mean don't bring it up right before, during or right after sex. Don't bring it up if you have to leave in an hour to meet some friends or a business client. Bringing up the subject at these times can be very problematic. The discussion will be rushed, it will not be worked through because you or your partner will have to leave. Sex is the most difficult topic for lovers to discuss with each other. They can talk openly about it to their friends or even strangers, but when it comes to each other, there's just too many emotions that get in the way. If sex is not an easy topic to discuss make sure you both have time to sit down and express your feelings, concerns or even, hopefully, excitement.

Never give your lover an ultimatum.

The only way sex toys will truly be an enhancement is if it is embraced by all, not forced upon. It may be tolerated in the beginning, but down the road, you will have more problems then you could ever imagine. There's nothing worse then a partner resenting a toy.

Here are a couple of things you should do, when tossing the idea at your partner.

Do discuss this at a time when you're both relaxed and feeling open.

Don't discuss it when you both walk in the door after a stressful day at work. Share your stories and stresses about work or the person that upset you at the store or on the road. Make a nice dinner, clean up and just when you're both ready to sit down and relax for the night, set a comfortable atmosphere in a comfortable room besides your bedroom. You want to create a comfortable situation that your partner will feel safe and able to express his/her feelings in. Create an open forum where no one will be judged.

Start the conversation with an idea to spruce up your already satisfying sex life.

Mention that you've heard or read about some interesting techniques that sound exciting. Show your lover this site. If you find a video online, play it for him or even an adult movie that features sex toys like Nina Hartley's Guide to Sex Toys. If you both watch adult movies together, this will be a lot easier than for those that don't engage together. As you're watching the movie comment on the toys and techniques you see and how you feel about what the actors are doing. Discuss it afterwards and tell your partner you'd like to try it with him/her, you think it would be really erotic and exciting. 

Non pornographic movies are available to help.

For those couples that do not engage in viewing adult films together, the Sinclair Intimacy Institute has put together an explicit, non pornographic and tasteful video called "Better Sex Guide To Sex Toys" hosted by Dr. Sue Johanson, that covers this issue of including sex toys into your lovemaking. Watching a softcore video like this will create an open forum for you and your lover to explore and discuss the topic. These videos are put together by the Sinclair Advisory Council of well-known sex educators, therapists and researchers. These videos have been proven to help 9 out of 10 couples improve their sexual communication, resulting in an improved sex life.

Always be willing to hear your partner out.

There are a variety of reactions that can happen when you bring this up. Unless it's excitement right away, you will have some talking to do. Now, I'm not saying to let your partner freak out on you, insult you or be nasty to you because he/she is upset about it. But you must not expect your partner to jump right in. Listen to him/her, answer questions, calm concerns and fears and assure your partner that this not a solution to a problem, it's just an idea of something different to try. If you are really happy with your sex life, let your partner know it, and keep telling him/her that. But be willing to listen.

If your partner seems interested you can take it to the next level.

Look through sex toy catalogs or online shops or go to your local adult video store and look at the selection, although adult video stores aren't as private. Discuss what you see, laugh at them if you want. Remember sex is fun and it can be silly, especially some of these toys. Relax and communicate. If you want, let your partner choose the style, so that he/she is involved with the toy. He/she is willing to try this, so let him/her pick the toy out.

If you already own a sex toy

Make sure when you initially discuss this with your partner, he/she knows that you masturbate with it already. If you have the whole conversation like it's just an idea that you've never done before and want to try it with your partner and then go whipping out your own secret toy, how do you think your partner will respond? I'd think that 9 out of 10 partners will be upset, very upset because they'll feel like they've been deceived or tricked into it. And now you'll have the feelings of, "You know something I don't." or "You have experience that I don't." to deal with. So be honest and up front from the start.

If your partner is cool with the fact that you already have and use a sex toy

By all means, go and get it. This is why you make time for this. Let your partner handle it and become familiar with it. Let your partner know how much you want him/her to use it with you. Ask your partner if he/she wants to watch you use it. The best way for your partner to learn how to use it on you is watch you use it yourself. So take this time to arouse each other and play with one another.  When you're ready and you start to use your toy, invite your partner over and give it to him/her to help you with it. He/She can put his/her hands on top of yours, so he/she can feel how you like it to be used. Tell your partner how exciting this is for you. The important things are to be encouraging, make sure your partner is involved and doesn't feel like an outsider. Remember, you've been playing with this toy for a while, it may be seen as another lover. So keep your partner involved. But don't make the toy the focus of your play. Make sure you end your play with your partner, at least for the first few times. This shows your partner that you are truly satisfied with him/her.

If it's the first time using a sex toy for both you and your partner

If you order it from a catalog or online, when it finally arrives, if you're the one that brought up the topic DO NOT open the package alone. You both need to bond with this item, so wait for your partner. I don't care how excited you are about checking it out, wait for your partner. If you don't wait, your partner may feel left out. This is not your toy alone, it's your toy together. So once you're partner is there, open the package and handle it together. This non-sexual play time is the perfect chance to become familiar with it, laugh at it and figure out how to use it. When the time comes to incorporate it into sexual play, you want to know what you're doing to some extent. If it's a vibrator, hold it up against each other over your clothes, so you know what it feels like. Tease eash other with it, but don't get hot and heavy now...unless the fooling around naturally goes in that that case, go for it!!! Otherwise just get used to it.

When you finally use it during sexual play, make a night out of it. Have a romantic candle light dinner. Set up a romantic atmosphere in the room you want to play in. Make sure you have your bottle of lubrication handy, especially if it's a penetrative toy, once play starts so you don't have to search for lube and interrupt play. Start sexual play as you normally would, remember this is just an addition to an already great sex life. Depending on the kind of toy you have, will determine when the best, natural time is to incorporate it. Take your time with it and enjoy the pleasure it gives you or your partner. But make sure you end your lovemaking with each other, at least the first few times. This assures both of you that you are both all the other needs and these toys are just additions, not necessities.

If for any reason during play, awkwardness arises or someone starts to get upset, abandon the use of the toy completely. Assure your partner that it's not important and try your best to keep sex moving along. Don't get angry, frustrated or discouraged, the toy is just an addition to sex, so since you don't really need it, then you should be able to continue with your lovemaking.


Hopefully from this moment on you and your partner will realize how important it is to keep open communication with each other about sex. If you're the one that introduced the idea, be complimentary to your partner about using the toy. Make him/her feel good about what just happened and make them feel respected. Remember, the #1 fear here is inadequacy. Discuss what you've experienced, but NOT right after. Save discussions for the next day. But be sure to talk through any awkwardness that either one of you experienced. If you or your partner started doing something or going down a road that made one of you feel uncomfortable, express that and talk it out. If you both were able to get this far, then you'll be okay. Remember to respect each other.

This article has been written to guide you along in introducing or incorporating a sex toy into your lovemaking. This article will not guarantee success. Success depends on how strong your relationship is, how easily you and your partner can talk about these things and how much you're both willing to compromise for the happiness of the other. If you're relationship is not a happy one, I urge you both to seek counseling together. No sex toy can improve a relationship, it can only enhance an already happy and healthy sex life.